Fear of father’s rejection gives me pause

This Father’s Day was the most difficult for me.

My husband still is working in Minnesota and missing his first Father’s Day — although I’m sure he is hurting far more than I am for him.

But it also is on my mind, because I am thinking about my own father more than I have in years past.

You see, my father does not know he has a grandson, and I am sick over deciding whether or not to tell him.

It’s a sordid and complicated tale that involves 34 years of bad blood, but the Cliff’s notes version is my father never wanted a child and didn’t have much interest when life graced him with one. We reconnected in my early 20s for a bit, but alcoholism, depression and something I can only describe as borderline mental health issues put too much strain on an already fragile relationship.

My father has never met my husband, having declined to attend my wedding. And I thought I had put this painful chapter of my life behind me, which is no small feat. But then my beautiful son was born and the issue has been on my mind ever since. Maybe becoming a parent has made me want to mend fences with the one I have left.

Not that I hold out any romantic notions that the knowledge that he has a grandson will create some sort of paternal epiphany and bring all parties together for a tearful reunion — those hopes were dashed years ago through several cycles of a loving relationship that suddenly and unexpectedly would sour for weeks at a time.

But there is this urge within me to make him know that there is this wonderful creature in the world that he is linked to — no matter how tenuously.

My plan is to send some pictures. My hope is he will know that I am doing well and that I am healthy and happy in creating a family of my own. My fear is he will respond with something hurtful, even spiteful, as has been the case in the past.

Why can I not put this issue to rest? Why am I making myself vulnerable to be hurt again? Why isn’t my happiness with my beautiful family enough?

I might never know the answer to these questions, but I believe that God is pushing me to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

My father might reject us again, but once the sting again subsides, I will know in my heart I did all I could and held myself to a higher moral code — and that’s the kind of role model I want to be for my son.

Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful husband: I know you will show our children love and acceptance throughout their lives.