A new journey unfolds to expand our family

The word “benign” has many definitions: gracious, mild, gentle, harmless.

But to me, it means so much more. It means I don’t have cancer and that I still have a chance at achieving my dreams.

A few weeks ago, the doctor found a cyst on my ovary and I needed to have laparoscopic surgery. It was discovered in the course of me being treated for infertility problems. And the moment the doctor told me about the growth, I was faced with two greatest fears: Do I have cancer? and Will I be able to have more children?

Now, people might think that because I share a lot about my life through a regular column in the newspaper that I would have no trouble sharing these recent concerns, but they would be wrong. Something I ran into was the intensely private nature of infertility and the reticence of others to talk about it.

So I had to make a choice: put myself out there and try to get people comfortable with talking about it, or keep it private. When I started this column, I was newly pregnant and just embarking on the journey of motherhood. Now I am on the journey of trying to be a mother again and it is hard.

We have been trying for over a year with no success. I have seen three different doctors, went on fertility medication, then underwent the surgical removal of half of my ovary. It actually was a good outcome, as when they wheeled me into the operating room the doctor prepared me for the possibility of losing the entire ovary, therefore halving my chances of being pregnant again.

The reactions I have gotten are mixed, from completely empathetic to downright uncomfortable. I mean, let’s face it, no one wants to talk about someone else’s reproductive issues. But what surprised me were comments like, “Well at least you have your son.”

Just because I want another baby does not mean I am not grateful every single moment for my son. In fact, it’s my love for him that is fueling my effort to give him a sibling.

Another comment was, “Well you can always adopt.” My husband and I are very open to the idea of adoption, but it’s not as easy as that. When you have a baby and suddenly have infertility problems, it is painful and confusing. I want answers as to why my body suddenly stopped working properly, but the doctors can only speculate. I want to know what the options and probabilities are of getting pregnant, but the doctors don’t have a crystal ball. And when you mix all the hope and anxieties together, you don’t really know when to stop pursuing having biological children.

I don’t know what will happen next, but today I am healing from surgery and the growth was benign. Today I celebrate my good health and hope is renewed for now. And hopefully I will be brave enough to share the successes and setbacks that this new journey will bring.

-- Sarah Leach is editor of The Holland Sentinel. Contact her at (616) 546-4278 or at sarah.leach@hollandsentinel.com.